Dancing with the Stars returns tonight, sans Maks (sob!), but with Marlee Matlin, Priscilla Presley, Kristi Yamaguchi and–get ready for it–Steve Guttenberg. One fourth of Three Men and a Baby will dance for Carrie Ann, Len, Bruno, and of course a TV audience of millions. This I gotta see.

To the auction house with his “pretty cunning, don’tcha think?” hat, once again to benefit the Marine Corps-Law Enforcement Foundation. Adam Baldwin continues to part with his mementoes for a good cause. Good man.

Via Whedonesque.com.

The writers’ strike is officially over. Hallelujah.

Off-track topic. Bear with me here. You ever see a show or movie in which a man took steps to turn himself into a woman–or already had taken them–in which that person was played by a man? Where the woman was supposed to be serious and believable, that is, not obviously a man in drag.

Because if it’s so realistic that men can do this, why are they so frequently (always, in the ones I’ve seen or can think of off the top of my head–Veronica Mars S1-03, Ally McBeal, Transamerica) played by women?

The strike is nearly over.

Chuck will not return until fall.

NBC, stop the insanity! Even Smallville is going to shoot new episodes, for pete’s sake. Of course, if they didn’t I doubt CW could continue to exist as a network, but still–all my available viewing hours will now be given to your rivals. Faugh.

And the House and Bones and Moonlight and Men in Trees and 24 and Battlestar Galactica.

Hope looms.

Also, where are your arms?

You, on the other hand, look cute with your sleek, snappy dress and little apply cheeks, however unkind it may be to remind me how much I miss Veronica Mars in the middle of a strike.

But not for long. Tonight they are airing the only two episodes they have left.

Ouch. Please settle the strike already. Otherwise I might have to start watching the presidential candidates. Kthxbai.

You know that lefty canard that the money being spent on the war should be spent on health care and education? Well, here’s a billion and a half I’d be happier to see going there than here:

Beginning Feb. 18, 2009, anyone who does not own a digital set and still gets their programming via over-the-air antennas will no longer receive a picture.

That’s the day the television industry completes its transition from old-style analog broadcasting to digital.

The converter boxes are expected to cost between $50 and $70 and will be available at most major electronics retail stores. Starting Tuesday, the National Telecommunications and Information Administration will begin accepting requests for two $40 coupons per household to be used toward the purchase of the boxes.

…

The giveaway basically works under the honor system.

The first 22 million coupons will go to all households that request them. That includes a residence that gets cable service for one television but has a spare TV that still uses an antenna, for example.

The rest of the coupons, however, are meant only for those who do not subscribe to a pay-television service.

What the hell? Not only did Congress order what should be a market to go to a certain technology, it will now spend $1.5 BILLION DOLLARS to entitle people to television. Television. And, it will give away this entitlement to people who already subscribe to the technology needed to go on receiving television signal after the government-ordered interference completes the transition to digital.

I have no words for the crap our government wastes money on. Hey, I wouldn’t like to lose my TV programming, either. Maybe the government should have thought about that one order to broadcasters and $1.5 BILLION DOLLARS ago.

George C. Scott.

I do love to read people who know how to use language with precision, unlike the yammering nannies at modern-day Sesame Street. I give you Fug Girl Jessica (don’t worry about deciphering the Mischa Barton photos, we’re here for the article):

As a huge fan of the seminal tune “I Love Trash,” — truly, it’s neck and neck with “Rubber Ducky” as the best Sesame Street song ever, in my opinion, with honorable mention going to “C Is For Cookie,” which I hear has been replaced by “Cookies Are A Sometimes Food,” which, I sorry, is bullshit, because cookies are an ALWAYS food, they’re just not a MASS QUANTITIES food. Why you gotta play me like this, Sesame Street?

That was only about strike 17 or 18 for Sesame Street, which I’m thankful The Bean never really got into. He watched Elmo’s World mostly for my sake, because I thought it was something babies his age did, and after a while began protesting loudly. I quit turning the show on at all the day it began promoting stealing as a legitimate way of getting people to give you things.

My niece, age almost 15 months, watches Elmo but with a certain amount of derision. When she hears his music or sees his image, she looks around for somebody to speak to and prounounces her review: “Monkey.”

Maksim Chmerkovskiy won’t return to Dancing with the Stars next season.

Talented, hot, and smart into the bargain.

Maks, this woman would have voted for another woman if I’d been able to get my thumbs (or my password) out. I’m sorry. Knock ‘em dead back on your native dancing heath.

Or, Please Settle the Writers’ Strike. Please. Seriously.

Tonight will be the first of the last three available episodes of Chuck. House and Bones are in the same tank, three episodes left, but they have both already, er, chucked it in until after New Year’s. Moonlight is already gone, or at least it has no upcoming episodes and Ausiello doesn’t have anything in his report about it. On a pretty serious cliffhanger, too. And those are ranked in order of quality–I don’t want anybody to dismiss my opinion of Chuck because I also like Moonlight. They’re not in the same class, but if you take my Chuck you should at least have the decency to leave me something to watch. No? It’s not your fault, you say? The writers are striking?

Let’s get this going, people. Let me tell you how this is going to play out, networks: You are going to lose a lot of money when these dramas go off the air, money that you might have lost anyway by actually paying the writers, for downloads, something more than the reported pittance you pay them for DVD sales, but some of the money you paid them would have been made up by, I don’t know, continuing revenue from the dramas. Which you now won’t have, and you’ll still pay most of the money in the end anyway, because they are striking.

I know it can’t be as simple as that, but all the sources I’ve read do seem to agree on download money as the biggest roadblock right now, which is incomprehensible to me. If it is really as simple as all that, the writers deserve a percentage, period. And to the person at Kyle Smith’s who doesn’t make money every time his phone system is used, let me ask you: Do they pay you by the system? Oh, you mean they pay you to come in every day and work on the system whether it results in a viable new moneymaking system or not? That’s what I thought.

As for the thought that people will watch whatever’s on, I sincerely hope that’s not true, but the rise of shows like Survivor and American Idol does seem to indicate that a vast cattle-like herd of American TV watchers will prolong this sucker to the detriment of those of us who prefer a good script–and to the detriment of those who write same. Get it settled. I don’t know enough to sit here and say for certain the problem is all on the networks’ side, and of course the world, and network TV, will go on despite this, but it will be a shame if good shows dribble off down into the drainpipe, never to be recovered, because some people can’t recognize the inevitable when they see it.

And the inevitable is that people are not going to accept a tiny flat fee for what could be a million-dollar download business. Why anybody wants to download their TV shows rather than watch them on TiVo is beyond my comprehension, but apparently some people do. Right now, all I see on the networks is “Watch this show for free at ABC.com.” If there’s no money in the model, obviously the writers can’t get any money, but there must be money in the model or the networks wouldn’t do it. So a percentage of advertising or whatever it is the networks get out of it seems pretty basic. I realize this is all more complicated than I have any idea of–are the ads in the download or are they just on the overall page? is just an example of a question that would have to be thrashed out, but indications right now are that the networks are offering something paltry without getting into details of what the money really is.

This post is like a person groping in the dark to find something they’ve lost. I don’t know the first thing about the workings of a negotiation like this or about the issues it’s built on. All I know is how sad I will be when my shows go off. Please, people, figure it out so that we can all have what we like again–people, shows; writers, gigs; networks, big hits.