The strike is nearly over.

Chuck will not return until fall.

NBC, stop the insanity! Even Smallville is going to shoot new episodes, for pete’s sake. Of course, if they didn’t I doubt CW could continue to exist as a network, but still–all my available viewing hours will now be given to your rivals. Faugh.

And the House and Bones and Moonlight and Men in Trees and 24 and Battlestar Galactica.

Hope looms.

Also, where are your arms?

You, on the other hand, look cute with your sleek, snappy dress and little apply cheeks, however unkind it may be to remind me how much I miss Veronica Mars in the middle of a strike.

But not for long. Tonight they are airing the only two episodes they have left.

Ouch. Please settle the strike already. Otherwise I might have to start watching the presidential candidates. Kthxbai.

You know that lefty canard that the money being spent on the war should be spent on health care and education? Well, here’s a billion and a half I’d be happier to see going there than here:

Beginning Feb. 18, 2009, anyone who does not own a digital set and still gets their programming via over-the-air antennas will no longer receive a picture.

That’s the day the television industry completes its transition from old-style analog broadcasting to digital.

The converter boxes are expected to cost between $50 and $70 and will be available at most major electronics retail stores. Starting Tuesday, the National Telecommunications and Information Administration will begin accepting requests for two $40 coupons per household to be used toward the purchase of the boxes.

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The giveaway basically works under the honor system.

The first 22 million coupons will go to all households that request them. That includes a residence that gets cable service for one television but has a spare TV that still uses an antenna, for example.

The rest of the coupons, however, are meant only for those who do not subscribe to a pay-television service.

What the hell? Not only did Congress order what should be a market to go to a certain technology, it will now spend $1.5 BILLION DOLLARS to entitle people to television. Television. And, it will give away this entitlement to people who already subscribe to the technology needed to go on receiving television signal after the government-ordered interference completes the transition to digital.

I have no words for the crap our government wastes money on. Hey, I wouldn’t like to lose my TV programming, either. Maybe the government should have thought about that one order to broadcasters and $1.5 BILLION DOLLARS ago.

George C. Scott.

I do love to read people who know how to use language with precision, unlike the yammering nannies at modern-day Sesame Street. I give you Fug Girl Jessica (don’t worry about deciphering the Mischa Barton photos, we’re here for the article):

As a huge fan of the seminal tune “I Love Trash,” — truly, it’s neck and neck with “Rubber Ducky” as the best Sesame Street song ever, in my opinion, with honorable mention going to “C Is For Cookie,” which I hear has been replaced by “Cookies Are A Sometimes Food,” which, I sorry, is bullshit, because cookies are an ALWAYS food, they’re just not a MASS QUANTITIES food. Why you gotta play me like this, Sesame Street?

That was only about strike 17 or 18 for Sesame Street, which I’m thankful The Bean never really got into. He watched Elmo’s World mostly for my sake, because I thought it was something babies his age did, and after a while began protesting loudly. I quit turning the show on at all the day it began promoting stealing as a legitimate way of getting people to give you things.

My niece, age almost 15 months, watches Elmo but with a certain amount of derision. When she hears his music or sees his image, she looks around for somebody to speak to and prounounces her review: “Monkey.”

Maksim Chmerkovskiy won’t return to Dancing with the Stars next season.

Talented, hot, and smart into the bargain.

Maks, this woman would have voted for another woman if I’d been able to get my thumbs (or my password) out. I’m sorry. Knock ’em dead back on your native dancing heath.

Or, Please Settle the Writers’ Strike. Please. Seriously.

Tonight will be the first of the last three available episodes of Chuck. House and Bones are in the same tank, three episodes left, but they have both already, er, chucked it in until after New Year’s. Moonlight is already gone, or at least it has no upcoming episodes and Ausiello doesn’t have anything in his report about it. On a pretty serious cliffhanger, too. And those are ranked in order of quality–I don’t want anybody to dismiss my opinion of Chuck because I also like Moonlight. They’re not in the same class, but if you take my Chuck you should at least have the decency to leave me something to watch. No? It’s not your fault, you say? The writers are striking?

Let’s get this going, people. Let me tell you how this is going to play out, networks: You are going to lose a lot of money when these dramas go off the air, money that you might have lost anyway by actually paying the writers, for downloads, something more than the reported pittance you pay them for DVD sales, but some of the money you paid them would have been made up by, I don’t know, continuing revenue from the dramas. Which you now won’t have, and you’ll still pay most of the money in the end anyway, because they are striking.

I know it can’t be as simple as that, but all the sources I’ve read do seem to agree on download money as the biggest roadblock right now, which is incomprehensible to me. If it is really as simple as all that, the writers deserve a percentage, period. And to the person at Kyle Smith’s who doesn’t make money every time his phone system is used, let me ask you: Do they pay you by the system? Oh, you mean they pay you to come in every day and work on the system whether it results in a viable new moneymaking system or not? That’s what I thought.

As for the thought that people will watch whatever’s on, I sincerely hope that’s not true, but the rise of shows like Survivor and American Idol does seem to indicate that a vast cattle-like herd of American TV watchers will prolong this sucker to the detriment of those of us who prefer a good script–and to the detriment of those who write same. Get it settled. I don’t know enough to sit here and say for certain the problem is all on the networks’ side, and of course the world, and network TV, will go on despite this, but it will be a shame if good shows dribble off down into the drainpipe, never to be recovered, because some people can’t recognize the inevitable when they see it.

And the inevitable is that people are not going to accept a tiny flat fee for what could be a million-dollar download business. Why anybody wants to download their TV shows rather than watch them on TiVo is beyond my comprehension, but apparently some people do. Right now, all I see on the networks is “Watch this show for free at ABC.com.” If there’s no money in the model, obviously the writers can’t get any money, but there must be money in the model or the networks wouldn’t do it. So a percentage of advertising or whatever it is the networks get out of it seems pretty basic. I realize this is all more complicated than I have any idea of–are the ads in the download or are they just on the overall page? is just an example of a question that would have to be thrashed out, but indications right now are that the networks are offering something paltry without getting into details of what the money really is.

This post is like a person groping in the dark to find something they’ve lost. I don’t know the first thing about the workings of a negotiation like this or about the issues it’s built on. All I know is how sad I will be when my shows go off. Please, people, figure it out so that we can all have what we like again–people, shows; writers, gigs; networks, big hits.

I’m watching Moonlight, that vampire show with Jason Dohring in a supporting role (for anyone whose brain is so full up with characters that she forgets the actors’ names, that means Logan’s in it) and Sophia Myles, David Tennant’s girlfriend (sob), as the female lead. The Whedonesquers were outraged upon first hearing of it, since a vampire P.I. is a disrespectful ripoff of one of their cancelled sacred cows. Ace and Petitedov both turned up their noses at it, and they have a point about some of the writing and some of the acting–but it’s the “some” that makes it interesting. If you keep yourself thinking “noir” instead of “wooden,” it really starts to work. The lead actor, Alex O’Loughlin, is pretty slick in a dry, straight-on D.B. Sweeney kind of way that I enjoy, and come on, how could anybody not love this exchange:

Girl Who’s Just Been Attacked: “Shouldn’t we call the police?”

Beth, whose apartment it is, hearing thumping and hollering from the bathroom: “I think Mick wanted to talk to him alone.”

***

Disgusting Bad Guy, chained to the bathroom sink after being roughed up a little: “You can’t do this. I have rights.”

Mick, Kick-Ass Vampire P.I.: “Yeah? You broke into a private home. I have the right to shoot you. I’m still considering that option.”

DBG: “You’re not a cop.”

Mick: “That’s right, so I don’t have to fill out paperwork in triplicate when I kick your ass again.”

See? Even Dawn Summers would like that. Oh yeah, no more TV for her, though.

I haven’t quite decided yet whether it hurts or helps that the show shares a producer with Veronica Mars and bears a strong affinity to it in terms of sets (Mick’s apartment is basically Duncan and Logan’s room in the Neptune Grand, and Mick’s office is more or less Keith’s) and even callbacks (a murdered girl from the pilot was a student at Hearst College). It’s nice but also a little melancholy, although I admit Chuck is helping me get over Veronica in record time.

Anyway, guilty pleasure it may be, but a few hack lines here and there don’t stop the plots from being fairly well wound and properly sprung. It’s about as different from Angel as any show about a vampire P.I. could reasonably be expected to be. And because I’m a sucker for the love story, kudos to the writers for not pulling the now overused “put ’em together then break ’em up quick” method of having cake and eating it too–they’re taking it comparatively slow and letting that part of it play out over time.

It certainly holds its own for a Friday night show.

Daggone, it has been a long time since I heard “My Heart Will Go On.” I guess I can go ahead and admit this to a couple hundred of my best internet friends: I cried buckets through the entire last half of Titanic and I liked this song just fine. It sounds good after a hiatus of about ten years even though Celine’s accent annoys me just as much as ever. Cheryl Burke and Mark Ballas dancing rhumba pretty much makes me forget about the accent, though. Nice.

This finale worries me. I’m afraid Marie has some crazy fans who are going to skew it, and I’m afraid Helio has far more traction than he deserves. I fear for Mel B. And she looks worried too.

Third place: Marie and Jonathan. Whew. No skewage. She has impressed the hell out of me with her work and her attitude and her enthusiasm.

Does this seem plain cruel to anybody else: Having stars eliminated first come back nine weeks later to suck again after everybody else has gotten at least one or two weeks better than them? Eah.

Conversation of the Day! Mel: “I’ve ballroomed my hair.” Maks: “Good. Ballroom your ass right now.” I love that guy.

Hey hey, Albert Reed, seeing you again makes me realize all over again how maddening it was to watch Wayne Newton and Mark Cuban week after week instead of you. Tom was surprised he left so early. You and me both, babe.

Speaking of Wayne Newton. No, I won’t speak of him. Hi Cheryl, I can’t wait to see you back again next season with somebody who can dance. Wait, hold up: Newton’s going on the tour? Not to dance, surely. Surely not to dance.

“Chatting with the stars.” Tom Bergeron funny. I’m not unhappy not to have to watch Floyd dance either.

Here comes Mark Cuban. I won’t look. What I am looking at is the fact that I didn’t realize this thing was two hours long. Hey, I have last night’s Chuck to watch, people! All right, I peeked at Cuban. He looks better than he ever did before–way more relaxed and without the goofy costume. It suits him.

Sabrina and Mark! I have no words. They sizzle.

Jane and Tony. And the Billy Joel lyric that made me squirm when I was in high school, “making love to his tonic and gin.” Aiee! Tony seems to have multiple personalities–you wouldn’t think the guy Viennese waltzing with Jane just now was the same guy who did the rhumba with Karina twenty minutes ago.

Cameron and Edyta. Hot hot hot. Sounded like some of the brass was out of tune, though, which is a positive crime on the Superman theme.

Is it just me or did Jennie’s hips not act that way when she was actually in competition? Good on ya, girl. I have to give credit: I didn’t think much of Derek when he first came on. Pretty boy, chops or not, but he’s won me over. I love his moves and his cute face.

Mel and Maks: More points than any other couple. Damn right. I’m shocked they chose the mambo after their two incredible paso dobles. Okay, I take it back. Maks has upped his game but fierce and she’s hanging right with him, no slack whatsoever. This is hot and tight. Wow. Judges say: Len, “Well, you know, I gotta say–” absolute revelation. Incredible. Fabulous. Right on. Bruno: Truly magnificent. Complete dancer, determination, professionalism, good humor. Wow. Carrie Ann: Woot woot. Ten-ten-ten, much and fabulously deserved. You people who voted better have done her right.

Helio and Julianne: This quickstep rocked the first time around, I will say. It doesn’t seem as polished this time, though, or maybe that’s my own wishful thinking talking … uh, nice kiss. Doesn’t she have a fiancee, or didn’t she, or something? Hmmm. Judges say: Bruno: Engine full power, blah blah blah. Carrie Ann: Favorite dance again. Len: Risk taker. And props to the band, who deserve it all. Ten-ten-ten. Of course.

Helio and Julianne. Undeserved. He’s lovely, absolutely, but he’s not the dancer Mel is, in much the same way that Apolo is not the dancer Joey Fatone or Laila Ali is. That’s just so sad.

I didn’t watch anything except Bones while I was away, and that only because one of my uncles happened to be watching and called me in when it was on. So, to recap Dancing, Week 9: Last week’s dances were downright electrifying. Goodbye, Jennie. You needed that cha-cha-cha breakthrough a little sooner than week 9, although it was a hell of a great breakthrough. Sabrina and Mark had a very polished and interesing rhumba to Avril Lavigne. Tell me, anybody who keeps up with current pop music, does Avril always try to sing that much out of her range or did she just have a cold or something?

I do not understand the fuss over Helio. He seems to be a very nice guy, but his dancing success is due to a) an adequate sense of rhythm, b) a megawatt smile, and c) having Julianne as a partner. Why does Len consider them the standout couple? He is way too stiff to do Latin dances properly, and after I watch tonight’s finals, I am going to break my promise of not voting in protest for Sabrina’s ouster in order to give all my votes to Mel B. She deserves it, by far. Marie has serious chops to have made it this far, but stumbles in footwork at this level are unacceptable.

On to tonight’s dances.

Mel B and Maks, cha-cha-cha: Starts off unpromisingly with a scamper across the floor and a tacky husband drama. Hmm. Still not her best dance, although she took some hand-position lessons from watching Laila’s last year’s videos, I think. Judges say: Len doesn’t like the off steps, as usual, but otherwise liked it. Bruno: stunning. Carrie Ann: Uncertain, like me. Not enough excitement. No kidding. Compared to their paso dobles, it’s just flat. Nine-nine-ten.

Marie and Jonathan, samba: Uhoh. These dances they do because the judges wanted to see them improved on reminds me of vocal boards in college, when an adjunct professor I had no particular liking for looked down my list of songs and chose the one I hadn’t managed to memorize. Why would they do this to the stars on finals night? It’s like Letterman’s funniest item in the Top Ten always being at #2. As long as they do it this way, the second-to-last week will always be the most exciting. Add to that that I hate the freestyle because they always put in way too much hip-hop garbage, and the finals are not the most fun for me at all.

Anyway, samba: Cute, but still a bit stiff and even a tad slow. The judges are going to grill her on lack of content–too many still poses, Jonathan. Bad samba rolls! Judges say: Bruno, with the truth, uhoh. Heart and soul but technically lacking. No kidding. Carrie Ann and Len agree. Eight-eight-eight. That has to hurt.

Helio and Julianne, jive: Watching Julianne act awkward is painful. HE BOTCHES HIS FOOTWORK. I told you. I hope I don’t have to watch this trophy go to another one of Julianne’s partners based on pluck and attitude and little else besides her, although I will say Apolo had the ability more than Helio does. Judges say: Carrie Ann, fun and adorable, but she doesn’t let him off the hook. Len: Messed up everything–a disappointment. Wow. I’m glad he didn’t let his previous opinion of “standout couple” stop him from that honest assessment. Bruno agrees, pretty much. Eight-eight-nine. Good.

Freestyles are always a letdown, and Mel and Maks’s, because their standard was previously so high, is the worst letdown of all. Carrie Ann agrees: Didn’t show what she could do. Right on. Len liked more of it, but still lacked flow. Bruno’s fine with it. Nine-nine-nine.

Marie and Jonathan: Starts out well, but if she doesn’t drop the stiff-puppet thing soon it’s going to bomb … nope, she doesn’t drop it enough. Why does everybody want to do lifts, lifts, nothing but damn lifts all day long, just because they can? Where’s the fricking dancing? That was not a pretty dance. Judges say: Len says good idea, bad execution. I totally agree. Marie, keep your mouth shut. Len says, didn’t happen. Bruno says it defies criticism, but then says it’s not a dance. True enough, that. Carrie Ann: Risk taker, but … odd choice. Eight-SEVEN-SEVEN. I’m appalled, but honestly those are appropriate scores.

Helio and Julianne: Cute with the race driver idea, but he can’t even keep in step with her while walking, much less dancing. Did I mention how much I hate freestyle? This dance made Julianne look ugly. Judges say: Bruno applauds the difficult lifts. Carrie Ann says he has both technique and entertainment–hello, did we forget the technical drubbing he took not fifteen minutes ago? Len says best freestyle of the night, by miles, but let’s face it that’s not a hard standard to beat. Nine-ten-ten. Travesty.

I’m off to vote for Mel now. Aside from the fact that she is the best left standing, by a mile, I would love to see Maks win. Hot.

Update: What with getting vacation laundry in the machines and making breakfast, I missed the voting window. I had forgotten my password and abc.com still hasn’t mailed it to me, 12 hours later. What kind of technology is that? Anyway. I suck. I hope everybody else didn’t and that Mel B wins tonight.

I have a lot of stuff to blog, but I leave tomorrow for the beach–and not one of the cold, rainy, windy ones that Oregon offers, either. I’ve never been to South Carolina before, so I’m really looking forward to it.

…

Well, of course the beach house has wireless. I’ll still blog, just not in the next couple days or so while we’re traveling.

Meanwhile, turns out that while I still don’t enjoy any Hugh Laurie humor I’ve ever seen except House, Sense and Sensibility, and Friends, is there any limit to the man’s talent? Apparently on top of everything else, he can also play the guitar.