I just watched Monday’s performances. The elimination is going on right now.

What? It’s less than a week till finals, and I know you don’t prefer to hear about my struggles with the parol evidence rule.

What Dancing god did Ralph Macchio tick off? Why does he get these impossible songs? Who does paso doble to “Everybody Dance Now?” And no, I don’t care that its actual title is “Gonna Make You Sweat.” That’s a horrible title. Who does samba to “Sweet Home Alabama?” These were not good music choices, Music Choosers. Foxtrot to “Yankee Doodle Dandy” was pretty awful too, but on the other hand, I didn’t care what Kendra did until I saw her samba last night. Those were some dance moves. Well done. But back to Ralph: What?

I am a little worried for Ralph. It breaks my heart for both of us that he’s almost fifty years old, and he has these hollow eyes that put me in mind of somebody dying of consumption. But nevermind all that–who is torturing him by making him dance to wildly inappropriate songs? And again with the fog machine, during Romeo’s waltz, and again with the inappropriate lighting, strobes–strobes!–during the inappropriate paso doble.

True, everything the judges said about Ralph and Karina getting back up to finish the dance was right on, they never wavered after that and it was glorious. But the fall cost them, as the judges gave them straight 8s, and I can’t help wondering if the incongruous music contributed too.

We’re not even going to discuss Bruno, Tom, the Elton John video, and Bruno’s choice description of Tom afterwards. The whole show needs to cool its jets.

But speaking of cool, it has to be said: Hanson can out-sing the Jonas Brothers any day of the week and twice on Sundays.