At the end of a foamily descriptive discourse on shaving:

That first shave with a new brand is better than any other shave you ever get. It makes you wonder if there’s a whole different level of razor technology reserved for the uppermost elites, the Presidents and Premiers and 33rd degree Masons and Popes and Politburo poohbahs and everyone else who lives in the rarified air above. The job has to have some compensations. Obama’s first day in office will begin with the best shave he’s ever had.

Man, that’s incredible. Any other surprises in store today?

Yes, sir. After you receive the briefing on our strike on the Iranian ship bringing a nuclear device into the New York harbor, they will give you the second season of “Firefly.”

Ha ha ha. My dear man. The Pentagon keeps that locked up under three keys, none of which belongs to the president.

Good sentiment, bad expression.

An Australian mayor who begged unattractive women to move to his town has been crowned “sexist of the year.”

John Malony pleaded for “ugly ducklings” to migrate to Mount Isa to counter a lack of eligible women.

The mayor of the remote mining town in northwest Queensland state defended his comments, saying he was “telling it like it is.”

Why is this sexist, exactly? Because he didn’t call for ugly gay men as well?

All he had to do was put out a call for women, and then count on them to figure out who benefits the most from packing up their current lives to move to 5-1 Mantown. I mean, even if the women who make the switch are not beauty queens, you’d like them smart, right?

Via Ace’s headlines.

The Bean: “I was born on a Tuesday. That means I’m full of grace.”

M: “Yep, very good, that’s correct.”

The Bean: “What day were you born?”

Me: “Friday.”

The Bean: “What are you full of?”

Heh.

Via Whedonesque.

…or anybody else with two Oscars. Because Emma Thompson says so. Yeah!

Wonder if it’s still cooler after three … Oscars, that is.

I know of nobody who can get more mileage out of a good rant than she does. And this after more or less giving up politics/news blogging. At the risk of propelling Anne the LifePundit into a flame war over the relative value of cats and dogs:

Can your asshole cat bite the nuts off a burglar? I think not.

Hey. At least I found something I wanted to blog today.

I mean, Nathan and Joss are both obviously broiling under the lights. C’mon, what did you think I meant?

At the rec center.

Young teenage boy: “Do you have a girlfriend?”

Older teenage boy: “No, I don’t need one, man. It’s summer.”

What the hell do you mean, “It’s not Friday?” I’ve had enough week for one week, thanks. And judging by Fug Girl Heather’s take, the mustache of Robert Downey, Jr., has pushed her over into that territory too.

Robert Downey, Jr. Mustache. The man who single-handedly could have saved Ally McBeal (girl and show both) had he been able to stay out of the blow instead of leaving her to fishtail off into “long-lost daughter” and “Jon Bon Jovi” territory. Mustache. As Heather so impassionedly points out, you’re not Tom Selleck, dude.

2) If you intend the weapon to give you plausible deniability for secret laser blasts, you probably shouldn’t announce, “Hey, check this cool shit out! We have an invisible high-powered laser letting us melt a bitch with plausible deniability!”

–Ace

I know of no other blogger who can say “melt a bitch” with quite the same … gravitas.

Wow. Twelve thousand calories a day. And what calories! I think even Pippin would have turned his nose up at pizza.

Via Hot Air.

Zabaduba again, to be specific. And I remember the lining up. For the morass of digital images that was Episode I. So I know that his commenter has a point too. Sadly.

Except painted faces at a Cubs game, or any baseball game, are far rarer than at a football game. FYI. Baseball fans don’t want that paint all up in their beer.

This is why I’m an editor rather than a writer, because even when I suspect that what I’m thinking would resonate with a lot of other people, I never think to write it up that way, much less be funny about it. Hence Fug Girl Jessica: “Please, no one watched that.”

I love me some Scully and Mulder too, but … let’s just say I’m reserving the right to “meh” over this movie.