DwtS Week 2 Elimination: The Jessica Simpson Rant

Filed under:Not Cool,Rants,Television — posted by Anwyn on September 30, 2008 @ 9:55 pm

I don’t know who’s off yet; part one of my voting strategy seems to have come off, as Rocco is saved and I’m positive it was my eleven votes that did it. Positive!

Okay, now the important stuff. This is the first time I’ve ever had to a) look at moving footage of Jessica Simpson as opposed to still photos; b) listen to her sing.

She is atrocious. Yes, I realize I’m figuring out what many other people knew several years ago, but this is what comes of being a 33-year-old mom who keeps up rather languidly with pop culture. Okay, fine, I never really kept up with the pop culture that supposedly, to watch the media cover it, enthralls 80 percent of the American population. I watch/listen to what I like and know the basic peripherals about people like Britney. Or ‘N Sync. Or Jessica.

She is atrocious. She sings flat–out of tune, for you nonmusic types. And it seems she’s trying to compensate for that blatant shortcoming by affecting a style that is just as hideous. French-kissing the mike, cracking her voice like the worst possible combination of a country wailer and an alt-pop edgything, and wearing a one-armed bat-gown that, if it doesn’t get fugged, I ought to know the reason why. Try watching a flat singer who is jerking her head and torso in wretchedly unnatural movements while opening her mouth as wide as possible and all the while inwardly shrieking, “Where is your ARM?!” and you’ll have some idea of the crazy that goes on in my TV room after The Bean is asleep.

I wouldn’t have watched at all, only Cheryl and Maks were dancing rumba and Oh-My-God.

So now I’m letting the TiVo buffer accumulate so that I can fast-forward through any more garbage, like the Macy’s Stars of “Dance” performance. Dancing with the Stars amazes me sometimes with the risks it is willing to take for what one would suppose is a family-friendly show. The Macy’s thing tonight was an homage to S&M that would have been so lewd if it weren’t just so tacky. The amazing part is that nobody on the set seems to notice; they suck it in like it’s a football game until I think that I’m watching something different from what the studio audience is watching. Bread and Circuses. I love DwtS, but occasionally they seem to be trying to sanitize some very crappy stuff. Or just showcasing crappy artists. Like the Jonas Brothers. The only thing that made their flat, over-stylized stylings bearable was … it wasn’t, really. Just the dancing. This is what comes of loving a show that caters to that supposed 80 percent.

Time to find out who’s goin’ home … Hallelujah, Kim’s gone. Don’t worry, Mark, your dad won’t be the only Ballas on the floor for long. I hope. Ding-dong, Kim’s gone, we didn’t suffer through The Simpson in vain.

one comment so far »

  1. Wow! I didn’t realize that one could feel so strongly about anything, much less a group of people allowing themselves to be criticized and belittled on television while embarrasing themselves in ridiculous outfits gyrating to music that they’d probably never dream of dancing to in the first place.

    Whoops! Caught in the act of being snarky…. ;P

    I saw a few pairs dance Monday night. About the only one I thought much of was the couple that danced the rumba (I think) in the red and black traditional “spanish” style outfits where the girl had an amazing skirt that flowed everywhere and a corset that was barely containing her (not a slam, I think it looked good). I can’t remember for sure, but I think they danced to the same tune that the diamond commericals use. She got “banged” for something about her shoulders, but I thought the couple looked and moved amazingly.

    All the others I saw (and mind I didn’t see everything) was laughable. I did feel bad though for Cloris Leachman. I think that female judge hit it right on the head: 80+ years old and trying to dance the Pasa Doble (did I spell that right? Spanish is not my forte) takes a lot of guts, but I still think their dance was pretty lame.

    I love my job, I get to watch tv at work. I just wish I had control of the remote. At least I was getting paid to watch, otherwise I’d have felt robbed of an hour and a half of my life….

    Comment by Cole Bell — October 1, 2008 @ 7:57 am

Copy link for RSS feed for comments on this post or for TrackBack URI

Leave a comment

Line and paragraph breaks automatic, e-mail address never displayed, HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>



image: detail of installation by Bronwyn Lace